Titans Cannot Use Photosynthesis
by Lucky Lucy Heartfilia
Summary: In which Eren is turned into a cantaloupe by Hanji, Mikasa learns what cyanide is, Armin screams, and Connie picks secret locks. For a crack prompt/friend.


"Don't worry, Eren, it's perfectly safe." The disembodied words echoed around dramatically.

"That's what people-particularly evil scientists-say before they turn you into either a superhero or a villain, amplified by chemical powers!" Eren shouted. "You still haven't told me why I'm here. Or what you're doing. And what was that about whether or not Titans can photosynthesize like plants or what?"

"Oh, calm down, Eren!' Hanji giggled. "You'll be fine. Probably."

" _Probably?!_ "

"It's most likely not fatal," Hanji reassured her subject.

"Please stop implying that I might die!" Eren yelled.

"Would you rather I lie?" Hanji asked. The machine rattled, and Eren winced. He couldn't see anything in the enclosed tube.

"That would be preferable."

"Okay." All was silent for a few seconds. "There is a possibility I will mess up disastrously and cause you to be forever transmuted."

"That isn't a comforting lie!" Eren panicked.

"Well, take comfort in the fact that it wasn't a lie, either. Now, stay still, I think everything is ready."

'Wha-' Eren spluttered, before Hanji pulled a very menacing and dramatic-looking switch and somehow, the darkness surrounding Eren got even more absolute.

~~~ooo~~~

The door swung open. Hanji squealed appreciatively.

"It worked!" she cried. Erwin tried to peer over her shoulder and was nearly whacked by the scientist's flailing arms in an attempt to catch a glimpse of Eren.

"Where is he?" the commander asked.

"Right here!" Hanji stooped down, pulling a heavy object off the floor of the machine with a grunt.

It was a cantaloupe.

Everyone stared.

And then the cantaloupe screamed.

"HANJI! What did you DO?!"

Everyone jumped significantly and eyed the fruit. It seemed like it had spoken-and in Eren's angry voice-but two problems persisted. One: that the melon seemed perfectly normal. No scratches, discolourings, or any other markings to indicate it could scream. And two: _that melons could not talk_.

"Don't worry, Eren!" Hanji laughed, patting the cantaloupe in her arms. "You should turn back naturally soon. If not, we'll just hope you don't rot or something..." An awkward silence descended.

"Hanji," Armin ventured cautiously, "why are you calling that fruit Eren? And where is Eren?"

"Right here!" Hanji said, turning the cantaloupe around to reveal the other side: a perfect recreation of Eren's face carved into the gray skin.

~~~ooo~~~

Everybody stared. The Eren-melon stared back. It blinked. A collective ripple went through the crowd.

"Can someone PLEASE tell me what's happening? All I know is that Hanji dragged me out of training babbling about photosynthesis or whatever in relation to Titans, and now I can't move and you're all so tall..." Eren trailed off. "Except for you. Captain. BUT YOU'RE SLIGHTLY TALLER!" he yelled, as Levi gave him the infamous stare.

"Eren, you're a...melon," Armin ventured.

"I'm a what?" Eren shook his head.

"A melon. A cantaloupe, to be precise."

"Impossible," Eren snapped. "Where's a mirror?" Armin pointed towards the reflective surface of a metal table. Eren turned, saw himself, and screamed.

"I'M A MELON!"

~~~ooo~~~

"The genius strikes again," Armin muttered. "Yeah, you're a fruit. Care to explain, Hanji?"

"I was just planning to see if he could use his Titan powers better in this form. See, he has leaves!"

"There's two problems with this," Erwin interjected. "One, that Eren can't do anything because he's now a cantaloupe, and two, that Eren the cantaloupe is separated from his stem, and therefore cannot use any photosynthesis."

"What do we do?" Mikasa suddenly cut in. "Eren was our secret weapon, and now he can't do anything except sit there and scream."

"I fail to see how that's different than what he did before," Armin muttered.

"Hanji, do you know how to turn him back?" Mikasa continued, steadily ignoring Armin.

"Well...not exactly. You see, it should wear off after twenty-four hours or so, but it also might not. This is my first try transfiguring Titan Shifters into plants," the scientist explained.

"And what if it doesn't wear off after twenty-four hours?" Erwin asked. "Does he stay a cantaloupe forever?"

"Probably!" Hanji said cheerfully, to the soundtrack of Eren's enraged yells.

~~~ooo~~~

Armin staggered along behind Mikasa, trying to balance Eren in his arms.

"Man, you're heavy."

"Shut up, Armin. At least you're not going to be a damn _fruit_ forever," Eren snapped. He'd been pouting the whole way home. Armin pushed the barrack door open and plunked the grayish fruit down on the table.

"Wonder if he's edible," Connie mumbled, eyeing Eren, who thankfully couldn't move or turn around.

"Connie, that is Eren you're talking about," Mikasa threatened. Connie backed off.

"All I'm saying is that it's been a while since there's been any fresh fruit, you get what I mean? So, if he never turns back to human and realizes that the sweet release of death is preferable to being stuck as a melon for the rest of his life-or until he rots, who knows-then I'm just saying I want to stab him. And I call dibs on at least half."

"Thanks a lot, Connie," Eren grumbled. "I'm going to turn back. Just you watch."

"'I'm never going to turn back! I'm going to stay a melon forever and die like this!'" Armin narrated in a monotone, high-pitched voice. Eren frowned.

"I don't sound like that. And I didn't mean any of that! I was feeling slightly anxious is all," the original speaker of the lines grumbled.

"Enough. I'm going to turn Eren back," Mikasa proclaimed, picking the cantaloupe up easily. "I'm going to the lab to fix him. Any losers who wish to watch are welcome to come."

~~~ooo~~~

"This one?"

"Mikasa, that's formaldehyde."

"So will it fix Eren?"

"Yes, if your idea of 'fixed' is potentially turning Eren into a cancer-riddled melon instead of an angry melon." Armin frowned. "Well, that's what happens to humans. The effects might be different on cantaloupes. But I don't advise you test it."

Mikasa, glaring, put the bottle back down. "What about this, then?"

"Mikasa, that's cyanide. I expect you know what it does?"

"Not a clue," Mikasa said, preparing to dump it on Eren.

" _Mikasa, that will almost certainly kill Eren!_ " Armin screamed. " _Put down the poison immediately!_ "

"You'd think Hanji would put her dangerous stuff somewhere teenagers couldn't access," Connie sighed.

"It was in a secret locked cupboard you picked the lock on," Armin pointed out.

"My point still stands," Connie protested. "I'm a teenager who accessed it."

"Something happened," Mikasa declared. Armin whipped his head around. The Eren-melon was smoking.

"Mikasa!" Amin yelled.

"Calm down, he's fine. I think," Mikasa said. When the smoke cleared, everybody fell silent.

"Nice hair, Eren," Connie said, giggling.


End file.
